Tight spots and loose screws!!!

Beating the hell out of my body!

2007-04-22T02:47:00.000-07:00

It was our sports day last Friday and the scorching heat of the sun and rigorous activities beat the hell out of my bod. I was too excited to start the day that I felt I breezed through the morning training and crammed my way back to Petron.

By the time we got to Ultra, the sun was already beaming with heat and burning the melatonin in our skin cells. We still continued with the dance that we committed to HR even if we can hardly look at the people watching us. After that, the whole GBS proceeded with the 3.5 K fun run, which I think was totally suicidal. One of my colleagues joked that she thought the whole thing was Alay Lakad and that we should be taking the time to stop and smell the flowers and walk slowly. Wehehe. Talk about running under the sun and having our brains fried out.

After the whole run thingy, we proceeded to our assigned games. I joined the flag football team and this is the exciting part--pushing my body to the limits and literally pushing the person in front of me using my arms and shoulders. We even had our "Great Wall of China" strategy--where the middle defense would embrace the persons beside him and push the opponents till they drop.

One funny thing was when one of my opponents tried to tackle me with 2 open hands, she hung on to my boobs and tried to push me. I can't protect myself but instead tried to firm up my boobs and pushed her with all my might hahaha.

Everything in my body hurt the next day but if you ask me if I'd like to play again, by golly, I definitely will!

D-day :)

2007-02-14T06:10:00.000-08:00

Today's valentine's day and it just felt like a normal day... for me valentine's day is a label and it only benefits the chocolate, flower and card companies. :) Not that I'm bitter but I guess one way of looking at it is ...people sometimes "over celebrate" during these kinds of occasions.

Once when I was in highschool, my classmates will usually compare who has the biggest bouquet of flowers and the guys will usually be pressured at this time because they have to make sure they come up with the biggest, and the most beautiful bouquet. There were, at one point, people were looking at the name of the store where the flowers were bought. Funny, huh?

Well I guess, for me, valentine's day, is any day that you celebrate with the one you love--even it meant just holding hands, walking together, eating... oh well. :)

These are just thoughts from someone who's sitting right now, in front of a pc, wondering how a valentine's day should be. I've been celebrating it for years but... when you think of it, you actually celebrate it everyday...when you are with the one you love.

The Rabbit Hole Got Me

2006-07-12T22:58:00.000-07:00

I tap my fingers impatiently
As I try hard to focus at work
I feel that the days just drag me by...

I sit every morning, and pray
Hoping that He will remind me
How beautiful life is.

But things are in a limbo as of now
I hang on and try to balance myself
I struggle to take each day everyday.

It's like my soul got lost somewhere
And I walk everyday with an empty stare
But God forbid, I only wish for an end to this lonely state.

Crippled inside

2006-07-04T22:41:00.000-07:00

See, smell, touch, hear, taste, I can do perfectly..
A job in place with enough to cope with daily needs
Enjoy materialistic wants I am able to...
But a crippled heart amidst these privileges resides within me.

I am quite unsure how to define it
But helplessness is the feeling I get
whenever I start curing the handicap.
This disabled being seemed to lie in a coma.

I have never felt so unhappy, so uncontented..
I try to look back and track to where it started
But the water washed the footprints I've made along the way
Making it harder to start the search I have so much wanted to work on.

Is this incurable?Will this disability cripple me further?
I long to feel healing within my soul
I want an end to my searchless mission
As I've grown weary of awaiting what'll happen next

The future and its gifts seem futile and unpromising
I have never felt so empty and anxious at the same time
Questions surround my complicated nature
Questions kill me slowly inside.

How do I begin when I don't know what's missing?
I have become the cripple that hid itself from truth.
I have no longing to what else might come my way
As I slowly die of self denial that nudges its ugly horns at me.

Travel Zombie

2006-01-13T10:01:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt that travelling became automatic that sometimes...you don't think of the process of checking in your baggage, paying airport tax, passing through immigration and then proceed to the gates?
Once, I even went to the wrong hotel room because what was stucked in my mind was the room I had the previous week in another hotel, in another country.
People used to say, travelling is so cool, we are so lucky and all...but I don't think so. I miss my popot, I miss eating sinigang, adobo, etc. I miss doing my laundry. I miss driving Martha the Matrix. :(
When I'm alone in the hotel room, I open the television, try to watch even the advertisements for lack of anything else to do.
Aarrrgh. just like now. I don't have anything to do yet but blog. blog. blog. heheh

Think before you speak!!

2005-11-13T05:48:00.000-08:00

A lot of times, I can't help but cringe on the statements I hear from some people who talk tactlessly without thinking ....My advice : please take a minute to think of the consequences before you really talk out loud. "Napaghahalata kasing may kakulangan.. hehe"

I am a person who usually stands up for what I believe in...and what I really know. So if there is a time that I'm in a discussion which I'm not very familiar with, I usually don't speak much. But I can't believe the guts of some people to really speak and yet doesn't really know the topic....!!!

But anyway, to each his own.....my other point is never make other people look bad if you don't have a strong case. So a combination of talking out loud without knowing and making other people look bad at the same time is unforgivable!! Totally unforgivable..!!

My patience is running out and I don't intend to "extend" this patience...the screws in my head might just go loose anytime and I can bite heads off... heheh..

The Dawn of a New Day

2005-11-07T06:28:00.000-08:00

Everything fell into place...new challenges are to be faced and new opportunities to look into.. :)
They say when you are patient and believe in Him, you will be rewarded. I went through four years of questioning, trying to do everything on my own, not waiting for His will to happen. I was hurt, felt beaten, and lost. But finally, the dawn of the new day arrived...I surrendered and put my hands up....Lord, I am not perfect, help me believe in Your ineffable plan...

I thank Him now for making me see the wonderful and big plan He has for all of us. Even if sometimes we hurt, there is wisdom in every tear, in every pain that we feel. It is indeed true that we have to hurt to feel the joy; that we have to cry to see clearly. :)
Finally, I got what I wanted...I can be at peace with myself...I cannot say there will be no more tears but even bigger obstacles...challenges as I go through a new phase of my career.

Thank you Lord... for helping me keep my faith in You.

Being functional as opposed to being emotional

2005-06-17T01:05:00.000-07:00

*functional-- to do things as expected. No more, no less.

I have been passionate all my life about everything I do. I am a person bursting with emotions, full of life, sensitive.. I can go on reading my long list but it doesn't matter. Right now, I am at a point wherein I want to stop feeling...

Being functional for me is an option to escape reality, still be meeting what is expected of me but not being human. I want to take this route so that I can somehow deviate from what I am. Why? Because I think people will ignore me and just let me be. I don't have to worry about what people will say.

Being emotional on the other hand, has caused me a lot of tears, a lot of pain. I need to take a break from all the things that cause me to hurt. I want to be detached from everything, from everyone so that it will be easier for me to leave, to let go. So, by the time I decide to go away from all of this, it wont' hurt as much.

Honestly I don't know how to end this blog... what is expected of me?

..And we danced in the dark....

2005-04-25T00:40:00.000-07:00

Five years and counting.... I felt like time has played a trick and it always felt like love was new. As I was holding you in my arms and we were swaying to the beat of the music, everything felt like how it was the first time we were together. The tickling sensation, fast beating of my heart, it all came back to me like it was just yesterday.

Who would've thought ....? People always thought what we had will pass or that this is wrong. They didn't know, because they were afraid to do whatever their heart desired. They will always wonder at the back of their heads, their cerebral complex full of "what ifs"...their hearts full of insecurities.....thinking how happy they can get denying themselves of what they really want.

I guess on top of these thoughts, what I wanted to say is....I am willing to count the years and dance with you over and over again.....

Bite Me!!!!

2005-03-28T19:39:00.000-08:00

Can i just rant!?! anyway, I figured if i rant too much, it would be too obvious who's the object of my anger and why i'm angry. so never mind.

I just thought if minds were simple and hearts were kind, then there will be no issue who gets what and what is being given to whom. :(

Makes me wonder, do I really need to go through this much? Am I ready for a bigger challenge? And I thought I was strong....

Last night, while drinking coffee, I thought, what is a better option-- to escape? or to endure? My mind says, escape sounds better but my heart says otherwise. I am always afraid of what will happen, I am always afraid what will happen behind my back, I am always afraid of something.

Does fear get me to where I want to be? How do you get rid of it? By closing your eyes? by ignoring it? i don't think so...i've always felt it's lurking around every corner of the space I live in.

Honesty---still the best policy.Face it!

2005-03-10T15:34:00.000-08:00

I thought I was ambitious but I'm not. It just made me feel better that I don't have to pretend to anybody what I'm not.

Just yesterday, I learned from someone that a colleague has been pretending to hold a title/position that he didn't have. Even boasting of it to some people. I didn't mean to feel good that he really wasn't promoted but I cannot help but shake my head at the act. I am still at a position/level that I had 5 years ago, but I don't deny it. I made some misses, met obstacles on the road to promotion, but hey, that's life. I don't have to stress myself. The 5 years for me was a big learning curve. Something that I still want to build on, improve on....

Why am I writing about it now? Because I was able to appreciate what I have now. That I am true to myself and am able to face REALITY. C'mon, man, just face it..... to all the people who will come across this blog, think of it this way : people will like you more because you're honest. not because you're a great pretender.

Selective Amnesia or Simply Denying It?!?

2005-03-08T05:19:00.000-08:00

Today, I wished I had selective amnesia. But really, is it possible? Or would it just mean simply denying what you don't want to remember?

There are a lot of times I end up in a corner, just thinking or wishing I didn't know this or that--specifically work. I know someone who simply acted dumb in front of everybody. Like she didn't know a thing about what they do at work. But when it comes to "impressing" the boss, she has a lot to say about what she knows and what she has done. Almost all jaws dropped to the floor and eyebrows raised to the ceiling. Could you possibly do that? Act dumb? Never mind.

Anyway, back to denial. What are the implications if I just deny it? Could I be fired? Would that be a start of career suicide? hehehe...I'm now in a state of chanting a mantra--" I don't know anything about XXXXX. I don't know anything about XXXXX...." Will I wake up tomorrow really forgetting about it? or maybe forgetting everything. even my identity?

A mix of raindrops and tears.....

2005-03-06T02:57:00.000-08:00

My clothes were drenched and the maong pants felt heavier on my legs....but I continued walking. I didn't know where to but I kept my pace. Raindrops fell on me, my face dripping wet and worst, the mixture of raindrops and tears left a salty taste on my lips.

I looked up to the sky and wondered when the rain would stop. My eyes blinked for a few times, trying to see if there's any sign of sunshine. Negative. I stopped for a while to see how soaked and muddy my chucks were. I imagine your face in case you see me now...you'll say, "Dirty Baby!!" I begin to smile faintly....trying to recall how we walked in the rain, covered by your small jacket..no matter how wet I was from the rain, it felt warm to be beside you.

I tried to walk a few steps...then looked back from where I began. I figured crying and walking in the rain at the same time gave me an excuse not to look too sad. Nobody will know I was crying. Nobody will know I was lonely, that I was waiting for you....

Mi Raison d' etre.....

2005-01-25T01:34:00.000-08:00

i've started reading the first chapter of the Purpose Driven Life book....and it seems heavy for me to continue to the next chapter..why? because Chapter one tackles 'Why am I here in this world? What is God's plan for me?" and "It's not all about me."
in the 20 years or so that i've been thinking logically (hehe), I feel that everything has to happen because I want it to happen, that I can do whatever I want to do. But now, I realize, even if you want something so much, you can never have it because God did not plan it for you. It's not a missing piece in your puzzle.... of life.
I've tried to take extra notice of the things around me and these made me see, everything will go on the way it SHOULD be....even if i want it otherwise, even if i don't do anything or even if i'm gone.
What does God has in store for me? Have you ever wondered what His plans are for you? I haven't truly focused on what purpose I have in life. What I know is, this stage is a humbling stage in my life, a period where I put down the ambitions I've been wanting to reach eversince, and try to find "a nice pair of shoes" to fit in--one that will not make me fall, or make me feel hurt.

Hari ng Sablay. Sablay na sablay.

2005-01-17T23:53:00.000-08:00

I've been hearing this song lately and I can't help but symphatize with the guy. Sobrang sablay is a point wherein you feel, you can't "dance" with the rhythm of life, always missing that GOOD timing. I've always felt that and I wonder, 'how fucked up can this life get?!' I've always been a point shorter from my goal...maybe i miss the X factor in life. No matter how many cups of coffee I drink, how many paper i tear and shoot into the waste basket, there's no denying, I'm sablay. I used to deny it...tell myself, no, I'm good, better than him or her, just be patient...there's a reason...blah blah blah blah. I just got tired of it. Can't really get it off my mind though....
I'm exhausted being the dog who runs after the boomerang thrown by my master. He can throw it whenever he wants, or never throw it at all.
Maybe it's time I let go of that ambition. of aiming for going up the corporate ladder. of being what I knew I can do best....

10 lbs down.....and still losing!!!

2005-01-11T04:38:00.000-08:00

I don't know if i'm really psychosomatic or what but I'm beginning to feel better about myself. Now that I've been on a diet, I've lost 10 lbs in 2 wks and I'm able to wear some of my clothes with confidence. You know, without worrying if my bulges are too revealing or if the collar seem to give me the look that I don't have a neck!

5 years ago, I considered myself "thin". I was 100 lbs, I don't eat lunch, merienda--simply to save up my allowance. I never did notice my weight. I took it for granted and now, look, I am dreaming, wishing, hoping to be 100 lbs again!

I know you must think I'm so vain but you know what, I've been very sensitive about this. I look at the mirror every morning and tell myself I look good. But sometimes, people can't help but notice, especially old friends from way back. Then there comes the change of wardrobe bec I can't fit into my pants, blouses anymore.

Lastly what made me work on this diet seriously was the rashes I got from having bigger hips, legs. Since some of my pants are fitting, they just cause rashes and I need to get rid of them before the rashes become marks!!! OH MY GOD!!!!

Now, I'm onto my third wk, I have to be disciplined. I will eat only what is necessary. Forget about the buffet lines! Forget about ice cream! Forget about chocolates!..... Wish it was easy heheh. but I CAN DO IT!

Gosh, im so vain. hehehehe.